Tag Archives: friendships

Losing Someone Who’s Not Gone

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I feel like sometimes it doesn’t get talked about enough, but going through a friendship breakup is really something. It’s different than going through a relationship breakup. Now, mind you, I’m coming from a perspective that has never gone through a romantic relationship breakup, but I have gone through many, many, many friendship breakups. The feeling is genuinely sometimes unbearable, but you always come through on the other side. And we’re just going to talk about it today and get into it. If you find any comfort in this article, I really, really hope you do.
My friend of many, many years and I just weren’t clicking anymore. I definitely felt it. I don’t know how she felt; I can’t speak on her behalf. But from my point of view, we were just different people, and I think we were OK with that. There was nothing wrong with it—at least, that’s what I thought. But overall, our friendship came to an end because of a misunderstanding, and it just came at such a fast pace. It felt like a fastball hitting me at over 90 mph, straight into my gut. It hurt so much because I was so shocked at how one person could just pack up and go so fast.

I was talking to my sister about this, and it’s always good to have somebody to talk to about this kind of stuff. Thankfully, I have my older sister, and she’s gone through the exact same situation I have. She said, “Maybe, on your end, you didn’t think that something was going on, but maybe this was the final thing to let you go.” Again, I cannot speak to how the other person was feeling, but I thought that was really something to consider. It’s true: you never know how someone else is feeling unless you ask, unless you talk about it. And we didn’t really communicate. There was a big lack of communication in our friendship and underlying issues that just weren’t brought to light. They were really suppressed, so that’s where we kind of came crumbling down. We had been friends for years. We even traveled together. But the switch-up was just insane for me, and I wasn’t expecting it at all. I thought that we would eventually figure things out and work it out.

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Now, after a couple of months, I am OK with not having to see this person again. It was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever gone through in my life and one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had. Losing her felt like a death—genuinely, like I lost somebody. All of a sudden, overnight, she just wasn’t in my life anymore. And it was really, really hard. Even thinking about it now, it still pains me that I went through this because I’ll never understand how it was so easy for her to dispose of me. But the best thing about what happened was that I did not go through it alone. I had my solitude moments where I would cry myself to sleep. My mind would be in so many different places, always asking, “What did I do? What did I do wrong?” But after all of that, I came to some realizations. I had to stop apologizing for things that were out of my control.

Looking back at our friendship, I noticed that I was always apologizing for things that weren’t my fault. I thought if I kept apologizing, we’d still be friends and everything would be OK if it was her way. But then I became friends with people who don’t think that way and don’t make me feel that way. They reminded me that I shouldn’t apologize for things that aren’t my fault. That friendship wasn’t good for me. It wasn’t good for the people around me, and I had to start thinking clearly. My best friends—my true best friends—were there for me in this situation, and I’m utterly grateful for them. Around that time, I also had my boyfriend to help me out. He was a gem and helped me through it as well.

Three people in particular really helped me get through it: my two best friends Savanah and Johnny and my older sister. They were there for me, and they showed me—along with my other wonderful friend groups, showed me what a true friendship should be. They gave me the strength and comfort to know that it was OK for me to walk away from that situation and not look back. That’s one of my biggest pieces of advice: If someone is treating you a certain way, it’s OK to leave. And I just refused to listening to myself for years. All of my friends noticed it, too. Finally, I stood my ground and thought, “Nope, I don’t have to take this anymore. I can leave. I have to get out of this situation.” And i’ve been better off ever since.

I’m not saying I don’t miss her. I wish her all the best in this world. I genuinely wish her nothing but success. She is one of the funniest, most ambitious, and overall greatest people I’ve ever known. But some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever, and that’s OK. I don’t know where she is now or what’s going on with her. All I know is that I hope she is doing we;;. The memories we shared together were some of the most amazing ones, and I’ll always keep them. We had a great friendship, and the happy moments will stay with me. But like I said, some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever, and that’s OK. Sometimes you just have to learn to let it go when it is not serving you anymore.

If you are going through a friendship breakup or thinking about letting somebody go, find the strength to do it. Genuinely. Pay attention to the people who make time for you, care about you, and put you first. Make sure they genuinely care about you. You’ll know it and you’ll feel it if they do. You won’t ever have to second-guess it or micromanage it. Friendship is a very simple thing, but the complexity it can obtain is insane.

 

 

A companion for you

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We as humans are social creatures by nature. We gravitate towards people from a young age instinctively, and struggle in solitude. But what is it that draws us to people? How do we scout out potential friendships or even relationships? It was a lot simpler as a kid. You could be friends with another over almost anything. Maybe they had the same toy as you or their t-shirt had a dinosaur on it. Elementary school itself is in essence a social experiment meant to teach kids to socialize, and build the social skills they’ll need going forward. As we get older and go into highschool we make friends for different reasons. Sometimes it’s because we’re looking to fit in or be popular, and other times it’s a shared interest. Usually at this point we still don’t think too hard on what exactly we’re looking for in a friend, and it shows. How many friends can you think of from highschool that just weren’t a good fit? Oftentimes the friends we make in high school don’t last for this exact reason. As we grow we learn to look for certain qualities in the people we keep around. Some take this process more seriously than others and not everyone learns to do this. Letting go of people is a hard thing to do and not everyone is capable of it. Have you heard the saying that you are the sum of the five people you’re around the most? Here are some important qualities that you should look for when deciding who to let into your circle.

 

It seems simple, but do they make you laugh? Not just do they make you laugh but do you have fun with them? At some point you’ve more than likely had a friend that was just no fun. Always a downer and seemingly always killing the vibe. This might not have been their intention and maybe they were just stuck in a temporary rut. But we all know how mentally draining it can be to always have an aura anchor following you around. Having people that bring the vibe and keep it light make for easy friends. You can be playful and joke around and not have to constantly worry about if they’re keeping up. The friendship aside, you’ll be feeling better if you keep these kinds of people around as you’re not going to be the one to bring down their energy.

 

Another seemingly simple trait that is good to have in a friend is confidence. Why confidence, you ask? Think about this, if your friend group is going out for the night and everyone around you is lacking confidence, would you have it? Probably not, it’s not very fun being insecure or hanging around people who display it. They get jealous easily, their moods will swing. Insecurity can be a very difficult trait to deal with at times, and definitely something you’d want to look to avoid when choosing friends as well as not displaying it yourself, just not a good look for anyone.

 

Take a look at your best friends and tell me, how dependable are they? It’s important to be able to lean and rely on the people closest to you. This isn’t always as simple as getting a fast text back or having them agree to hang out. Are they on time to the plans you make? Can you trust them to keep a secret or trust them with anything for that matter? This is where quality over quantity really comes into play. Would you rather have one friend that you can depend on to call at three in the morning or ten friends that you couldn’t call past nine at night? What brings more value?  If you’ve never had friends that you can always rely on, you might not know what you’re missing. However once you see what a real friendship looks like, the flaking and tardiness gets old quick.

 

What’s another thing that makes friendship easy? When the person you’re friends with is low maintenance. Like some of the other traits we’ve gone over, having high maintenance friends can just be incredibly mentally exhausting. Whether it stems from jealousy, attachment issues, taking the friendship for granted, or all of the above, it can be a very challenging task to constantly be having to coddle another person’s feelings. These kinds of friendships naturally can’t last, as over time it takes a toll on the one person’s psyche. Moreover staying in a high maintenance friendship will often lead to toxic behaviours being overlooked and even accepted. This can quickly turn into a toxic and manipulative friendship.

 

Moving onto one of the most important aspects to look for in a friendship: respect. What is a friendship without respect? Respect should be the baseline of any friendship past, present or future. Without respect it’s a bold statement to even call it a friendship. It’s necessary for any one of the other qualities that we’ve looked at so far. If you have little respect for a friend would you care what you ask of them? Being manipulative would be a norm, because why care as long as you’re getting what you want. There’s no reason to be available and dependable if you don’t respect the other person. Moving beyond that, respect is a basic emotional need. Have you ever felt disrespected? How did it feel? The disrespect only feels worse coming from a friend. Look for people who not only respect you, but respect your feelings and emotions. People that won’t invalidate your feelings. We all have our reasons for feeling the way we do, and the last thing someone needs whether it’s understandable or not is to feel like they’re feelings are worthless. Key takeaway from this is make sure you not only demand it but you show your friends respect!

 

There’s a brother to respect in the “big two” of friendship and that is loyalty. Loyalty is the most important thing that you could ask for in anybody. Relationship, friendship, family, coworker, you name it. Loyalty is the most important thing that you could possibly get from another person. Life is tough, we face trials and tribulations every day of our lives. It never gets easier, in fact it only really gets harder as we grow up. It’s crucial to have people that you can not just depend on, but know that that dependence knows no bounds. Mistakes are made in life, and they’re made often. Sometimes those are going to be really big mistakes. We all make them, and it’s important to have people that will stick with you through it, no matter how hard it may be. To show that you can stick by another person through their absolute worst so that you can be with them at their absolute best is a beautiful thing. Not everyone has the patience or the capacity for doing this though. Have you ever been pushed to your absolute brink with a person? Did you manage to stick it through with them? Any type of human relationship, will be tested at some point or another, and through history the amount of tales of unwavering loyalty and hardship have always made some of the greatest stories. Making loyalty the most valuable quality you could find in a friend and the greatest gift of all.