I have always been a very skinny person all my life. Coming out of high school, I was 5’11 and 140 pounds soaking wet. Like many other people in this world, my weight and my body were big insecurities of mine. I wanted to fix it, so I started going to the gym and working out in December of 2019. When I started working out, I was very nervous about going to the gym and lifting weights. I was scared to be judged for not being as strong as other people there or not being a fit as the other people there, and that fear kept me from going to the gym consistently. However, I didn’t give up; I knew that one day I would look back on my insecurities and the fear I was feeling in the moment and laugh at how silly I was being. The truth is, nobody in that gym cared about how strong I was, nobody was watching me work out, nobody was judging me for being skinny, everybody in that gym was focusing on themselves. I was just scared of what other people thought of me when the truth was nobody was thinking about me at all, so I had nothing to be scared of.

For the next couple of months, I started to go to the gym a lot more consistently, and for a lot longer every day, I saw good results. I finally felt confident about my body, but I knew that I was nowhere close to where I wanted to be one day. Since the first COVID-19 lockdown was over, I have been going to the gym consistently, and I’ve seen great results. I put on 20 pounds in my first year working out, and all was good. The unfortunate reality about self-improvement, however, is that you never think you are good enough. Despite putting on a lot of weight, I was still left wanting more, I was still left feeling small, and I was still left insecure about my body. Over the past year, I’ve continued to work out and eat healthily, but more importantly, I’ve been focusing more on being confident with who I am on the inside rather than how I look on the outside.

There is no doubt about it; going to the gym regularly and working out safely is healthy for your body. You get stronger, get bigger muscles, your physical health, in general, gets better; when other people see you, they say, “wow, you look “terrific,” but there comes a point when you realize that stuff isn’t what you’re after. When I first began working out, I thought I would finally be happy with the way my body looked once I could bench press a certain amount of weight or hit a specific fitness goal like reaching 160 pounds. Still, the truth is that none of those accomplishments result in permanent satisfaction. I look in the mirror today and still want to improve just as much as I wanted to two years ago when I was skinny to the point you could see my entire skeleton, through my skin. Working out and putting on muscle does not lead to happiness or satisfaction in most cases.

I’m a firm believer that when you walk into a gym, on average, the people who are in the best shape, the people who have the biggest muscles, and the people who can move the most weight are the saddest in life. Just writing that seems wrong and unnecessarily depressing, but it’s the truth in most situations. Gaining muscle, losing or gaining weight, and becoming healthier all sounds like good fun until the body dysmorphia begins to kick in, and it’s this body dysmorphia that can run havoc through the brains of so many people who work out. On the outside and to others, they look “great,” but on the inside and to themselves, they will never be good enough, strong enough, or lean enough. It’s this constant cycle of working out to reach goals, then reaching said goal only to have another goal immediately in mind, that plagues the minds of so many people who you see at the gym.

Another reason why so many people who work out are unhappy is because of the reason why they got into the gym. So many people have a dark, sad story behind why they began working out. When said people are working out, they are constantly reminded of the unfortunate events that have affected their past. I have no problem saying that I am in much better shape than most people in the world; I have no problem saying that because I was told the opposite for 18 years of my life. I was told that I “should get some meat on those bones” I was told that I was “all skin and bone” I was constantly reminded that I was beyond skinny. I remember soccer coaches saying, “if only he were a little stronger” or “if only he had a little bit more muscle” like it was yesterday. I remember what I thought to be the love of my life in high school telling me to my face that I was too skinny and that I should work out. I remember looking in the mirror night after night, counting the ribs visible through my skin. I remember all of that and will forever remember all of that. That Is why today, when I go to the gym and look in the mirror, I’m not happy; I don’t tell myself how good I look or how much progress I’ve made. Instead, I’m reminded of the demons in my past. On that same note, however, I know that I have come a long way; I know that compared to the average person, I would be considered “very fit,” and I wouldn’t say that if for 18 years of my life I wasn’t constantly reminded that I wasn’t good enough.

I’m using myself as an example in this situation, but the same can be said for millions of other people all over the world. We are told that we aren’t enough, so we start improving ourselves. Still, the only thing is, is that after we put in the months and years consistently pushing our bodies to the brink, obsessing about our diet, the countless mental breakdowns and tears shed alone, that if we are too confident in what we have become, it rubs people the wrong way. The same people who pushed us in the gym are the same people who will complain about us being cocky or braggadocios. Look, I’m not complaining, I love working out, and I love the way I feel after a workout out. This article might have rubbed some people the wrong way, so I apologize to those people, but to the rest, I say, “continue to push yourself to your limit, for one day the happiness will come.”