Break ups suck. We all know that. Whether you’ve gone through one personally or have just seen it on TV, there’s no other way to describe it than it sucks. You go through the motions—crying, eating your body weight in ice cream, listening to sad songs that feel way too relatable and of course, try to go no contact to cut yourself off from that person and heal. It sucks. It hurts. It’s awful. 

But you know what hits even harder? A friendship break up. And I’m not talking about the gradual drifting apart where you both just kind of stop texting and those hangouts and coffee catch ups you mean to plan just never end up happening. I mean the kind of friendship breakup that feels like someone ripped a chunk out of your soul, to put it simply, you just lost your best friend. I will die on the hill believing that friendship breakups hurt more than romantic ones. I mean that was the person who helped you get through those romantic break ups and tough times, and then suddenly one day, things just aren’t the same. 

Let’s be real – most romantic relationships don’t last. That’s just statistics. From pointless relationships in highschool, to fun summer flings, and those relationships in college that last for max 2 years, I hate to say it, but most of those will come to an end. Friendships are supposed to last a lifetime. There’s this statistic that if a friendship is longer than 7 years, it will last forever. Well, I can prove that that is wrong. I had a 14 friendships that came to a crashing halt last year. All the way from kindergarten to college. 

When you break up with a romantic partner, there’s usually a conversation. Maybe it’s messy, maybe it’s emotional, but at least you get some kind of ending. There was probably some valid reason for the breakup, a big fight, or maybe even they cheated, either way it had to end. But the main case for a friendship breakup could leave you confused, wondering what changed so fast and where it all went south. 

In romantic relationships, first impressions matter, you’re going to wanna dress up for a date, make sure you say the right things, just overall put your best foot forward, I think you can admit that there is a bit of a “filter” put on the first initial dates right? Well not in a friendship. Those friends from early on see the unfiltered authentic version of yourself, they took you in exactly as you come. There was no need for you to put on any sort of a show for your friends. No dressing up, no makeup, no thinking twice about what you’re going to say. That’s why it hurts so much to lose that person who fully accepted you for you. Just like the dating pool, the friend pool is hard nowadays, it isn’t so easy meeting new people, so when you lose that one you thought was a lifelong friend, it stings. 

Friendship loss is always a weird thing, but especially if you are still close with the people within that same social circle. It’s an odd feeling. You hear so much about this person from other people when you used to have daily phone calls and hangouts about what was going on in their life. You used to be that first point of connection but now, you hear about what they are up to through other people. Then of course if you guys were in the same social circle, you’re bound to run into each other from time to time. A birthday party or a celebration? Chances are you guys are both going to be in the same room. But how do you go about that? I feel with ex partners you can try to be civil or just ignore, you probably could have gotten the vibe of how things are going to be when you were breaking up. But a friend, there’s no playbook for these situations. 

When you break up with a partner, people expect you to be devastated. They check in on you, bring you ice cream, offer to slash your ex’s tires (or at least talk trash about them for moral support). But when you lose a friend? People don’t always know how to react. It’s not that talked about. I mean you lose more romantic partners than friends, so it doesn’t get brought up that often right? There’s no “friendship recovery” guide. No dramatic breakup playlists. No sad movies specifically about losing a best friend. It’s this weird, silent grief that nobody acknowledges, even though it can hurt just as much, if not more, then losing a romantic partner.

My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out around this time last year. It was weird, it was a bit of a drift away but when we went to talk about it everything bubbled up and it started a pretty heated argument. Neither of us are one to argue so I was left with the feeling of where the heck did that come from. We chatted a few times after and I occasionally see her out at the bar or at friends’ birthdays. But there is always such a weird vibe when I see her. I really don’t even understand what made this happen. It’s so odd to me how you can go from knowing someone inside and out to not even knowing what they are doing for work now. We rarely see each other now, but I really do think of her everyday. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about us being friends again, cause I do every day, I just don’t see how that’s possible right now. I never got any closure, I’m constantly left with the feeling of wondering what went wrong, way worse than any breakup I’ve gone through. 

Losing a friend hurts more than a breakup because friendships are supposed to be the relationships that are unbreakable. It’s a platonic love that I’ve learned can end just as bad as a breakup. So if you’re grieving a lost friendship, know to miss them, to feel angry, to wish things had gone differently. Taking the time to heal from this is just as important as anything else. It’s not just losing a friend, it’s losing someone that was supposed to be the person that’d be there forever, and that kinda loss deserves to be acknowledged.