If you’re a die-hard Evolution-er, you’ve consumed your fair share of “How to Procrastinate” content. It’s a go-to topic for a college student’s late-night cram. It’s like what they say, write what you know!
But a fun fact about me though, is I’m not a procrastinator. Say what??? I’m not being facetious! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a mess in every other facet of life but for some reason, you will never catch me handing in my work on Sunday at 11:57 pm. It’s cool and all but I’m kind of sad I can’t relate to #relatable procrastinator memes.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B9m8mPIB_vq/
However, this wasn’t always the case…
Back in high school, I was just like every other teenager… writing essays hours before they were due, making flashcards the night before a final, I was normal… But what changed? And can you the reader change too?
I wish I could tell a story of inspiration and triumph, but after some reflection, I believe most of my motivation is rooted in anxiety.
This may sound strange, but I basically have a fear for the anxiety I would have if I were to leave things to the last minute. I have anxiety about having anxiety? I hate the feeling of being out of control, I love knowing what’s going to happen. If I can get my tasks done as soon as possible, I have a better picture of what the future holds.
For example, if I was assigned an essay on a Monday, due on Sunday, I’d want to get it done asap because what if I can’t do it on another day because my computer breaks or I hurt my hand, or my friends invite me out for dinner on Friday! I basically want to be prepared for any possible obstacle in the way of me handing in this essay. So I end up having it done by Tuesday afternoon and my peers are like “what??? how??? I haven’t even started! You’re so motivated and cool and pretty Neena!”
By working really hard, I believe I can control my outcome and dodge every worst-case scenario. I guess I have a hard time with ambiguity and not knowing what’s to come. It’s honestly not a great way to live, and when I manage to let go and loosen up my schedule, it feels good. I think I just care too much about things, but then again it’s making me very successful academically, so it’s hard to navigate… mental health am I right ladies and gents?
When I started my college journey at BCIT, everything was pretty locked down. I didn’t have much of a social life going on, I was unemployed, I wasn’t getting dressed in the mornings, the only thing really going on in my life was school. All the areas in my life where I had a “sense of purpose” and validation, were gone. So I ended up putting pretty much all of my self-worth into my academics.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CIoJtHjFeH8/
When life was super “unprecedented” and scary, instead of stressing about the end of the world, I found it easier to worry about deadlines and grades. Working hard at school is definitely a convenient coping mechanism…
I kind of thought I was alone in this until I got to researching, apparently this is called high functioning anxiety?
@jorjanxiously and that’s on high functioning anxiety #mentalhealthmatters #anxietydisorder #yougotthis #anxietyawareness
@dr.laurencook Anyone else struggle with needing to feel “productive” 24/7?!😬 #hustleculture #highfunctioninganxiety #anxietytips #productivity #therapistsoftiktok
https://www.tiktok.com/@danidonovan/video/6916917271336193286?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en&q=productivity%20anxiety&t=1643508485195
I’m not about to self-diagnose myself after watching a few Tik Toks, but those videos explain what I’ve been rambling on about for 600 words, in 10 seconds.
So I’m not a freak of nature… hmmm…
“All or nothing thinking” is another great way to describe my productivity. It’s a toxic way of thinking, seeing everything as either a pass or fail takes away any enjoyment for the process. For example, when I was learning how to snowboard last year I was having a really hard time enjoying the slopes because I was hyper fixated on mastering the skill. Every visit to Grouse I was wrapped up in my head, comparing myself to others and feeling like a failure. I eventually realized that I was never going to be the best, certainly not on my first season, so I took a breath and decided to just snowboard for fun. That sounds silly, but I was so hyper-fixated on my goal that I forgot about how enjoyable the actual present moment can be.
It’s hard when people ask me how I avoid procrasinating, because I don’t think I’m truly qualified to answer that question. I think I’ve got a long ways to go in regards to my work ethic. I pride myself on my organization and punctuality, but I’m ashamed of how tightly wound and competitive I can be. So yes, I’m getting sh*t done, but at what cost?