Five Terrible Songs That Everyone Loves.

Ever listen to a song that was so bad, it makes you want to vomit out your ears? Yet,  everyone else in the world just loves that song that made you deaf. I don’t understand why some songs get so popular when others don’t get any notice at all. Maybe it’s good marketing, timing on a release, or some people just like listening to bad music. Everything is subjective, but I feel there are songs that do not deserve to be number one. They should on fire in a trashcan.  Here are five terrible songs that everyone should not love. To make this fairer, I’m going to talk about songs that had been on the Billboard top 100 and are in English. Obviously, there are over five, but I can only re-listen to so many awful songs in one day.

 

1:  Informer (1992) Snow.

Hitting the number one spot on Billboard a Canadian artist, Darrin Kenneth O’Brien, or as his performing name Snow created top 100 spots for many weeks. His mashup of two styles of melody, Reggae, and Hip-Pop, birth this abomination song. Snow, the man who managed to fit 10 words in one syllable, composed such stirring lyrics, like “I’m sick and tired of the 5-0 running up on the block You know what I’m saying”? I don’t know what you are saying, but I know what you are telling me. Snow, your cringe writing style and lack of awareness of music theory with your bizarre verses may have been popular back in the 90s, but not for listening to it today. I rather buried my head into hot sand than chill with more of Snow’s awful music.

2: Little Girls (1981) Oingo Boingo.

To this day, Danny Elfman had scored one of the best music in film and he is one of the best composers in the world. From 1985 Tim Burton’s Pee-wee’s Big Adventure to the Grammy-winning score to the movie,  Batman. Elfman has proven to be one of the best in his industry. Before all that, he was in the band called “Oingo Boingo and wrote the song, “Little Girls”. I understand that they made this song to be a satire of its time, but the music video for this doesn’t help if you watch it today. In these hypersensitive times, this controversial song with lyrics, “I like little girls. They make me feel so good. When they’re around, they make me feel like I’m the only guy in town”, will only not get an apology from the artist but will never work in mainstream music again. This disturbing song about a predator living out his dream is not something I want to listen to again.

3: Whip My Hair (2010) Willow.

This artist proves that just because you share DNA with famous talented artists, doesn’t mean you are talented. Regardless, this song also proves that equality exists and kids are just as capable as adults at creating utter trash.  The song seems to written by a child who spent the better part of their childhood on some strange planet, came to earth to share the song of their people. I’m guessing the planet is Uranus because the song, “Whip my Hair”  stinks. The annoying beat, heavy synthesizers, and static drums’ beat are just the tip of this genetic song. The lyrics are barely rememberable besides the too often said lines, “I whip my hair”. This line is said too many times, I don’t even care what she was trying to say with the rest of the song because it is not understandable.  I like to think this song made Willow look in her mirror and remember she still a kid and not her father, Will Smith.

2: Perfect (2017) Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran had written some wonderful songs in the past, Perfect isn’t one of them. Every time I hear this irritating song, I want to rip my ears off.  This god awful lyrics, “I found a love, to carry more than secrets… To carry love..” Ed, you found love to carry your love? Did someone hit you over the head with a hammer? This is horrible and to think it came out of a guy like Ed Sheeran is baffling. The instrumental is standard for its time and lyrics sound like it came from a rejected episode of a daytime tv drama show.   Not even the duet you do with Beyonce can save this song.

 

1: Weezer (1992-present)

I know I am cheating here because I’m talking about a band, not a song, but when every single song that a band makes is awful,  I’m going to add the whole band to my list. Weezer,  since the beginning of this band’s inception, it was never great. I have little time for this band dull lyrics like in the song “Beverly Hills”, it lacks any positive merit beside showing off how rich you are. Their instrumental style is so boring, it something you hear from the high school band a deaf teacher put together that. The nerdy style of poetic writing is so terrible, it will make Charles Bukowski spin in his grave.  I don’t understand why many people think Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer of the band, is some kind of musical messiah. He’s basic at the best of times, and each new song he releases is just proving that his image of being a musical geek is a mirage. Yes, they have some successful albums such as the “Red Album” but every other new album that you going to release sounds the same as the last one, I rather just not even bother.

 

Some artists I listed have produced some great songs ( everyone but Weezer)  and I’m sure they will make more. However,  for every great song, they will always be one awful one. Nobody is perfect and I will not listen to awful songs. My name is Yuji and thank you for reading.

Nostalgia Sucks

“They are destroying my childhood”! It is something I and many of you have said in the past whenever a film studio wanted to reboot or add another sequel to an old franchise. There was a time where I will fight and whine about how Disney ruined Star Wars or how Michael Bay didn’t understand Transformers. I will scream, “you’re not respecting the roots!”, at them, while wearing my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s shirt and with my Walkman in hand. Nostalgia is a powerful drug, and I know how it feels when it hits you hard. You just want another hit of that good childhood feeling that we all lost when we grew up. However, if we take a good look at our childhood, most of the shows we grew up watching, they were not very good in the first place. My old CD collections are just a reminder of the bad music taste I once had, and candy was way too sweet back then. Let stop kidding around and let the past died.

I understand when we become adults; we get buried with bills, maintaining relationships, juggling careers, studying hard to finish school and all the other things that break our backs. Sometimes, we all yearn for an escape back to a simple time. When life is seen to be a lot easier. When the present is filled with uncertainty, drinking back a warm glass of nostalgia will always make you feel better. The release of the endorphins when we turn on a show I watch as a kid, amazing. Unfortunately, those shows that we love and grew up with such great fondness, were made for sinful nature, with kids in mind. They made many of them just to sell toys to kids’ parents to buy. The simple story, colourful characters, and predictable ending were made so children can understand. At the end of each show, kids will run to their parents, begging them to buy the toys. Even music back then was not only terrible but made to be so cookie-cutter bad. So they all sound the same thing. If you ask me the difference between a song from the band 98 degrees and O-Town, I couldn’t tell you. With sweets like jawbreakers and Airheads were once a great treat when a little me. Now, it just too sweet for me. Going back and re-watching these shows, listening to music from that generation, and eating childhood sweets, will only remind us how truly bad they were.

I watch my old DVD copy of “Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire” a few weeks ago, one of my all-time favourite cartoons shows. I remember waking up on a Saturday morning, running downstairs in my PJs and turning on the old tv, and watching this show. Staring the late comedian Bob Einstein, I thought I was in for a fun-filled drink of nostalgia, but it ended with a foul aftertaste of disappointment and regret. With the bad animations, predictable ending, and terrible voice work, not only I wasted my time watching this old cartoon, but it was a glorious reminder that I am no longer that kid anymore. My taste in entertainment has changed. I need something more depth in the story than what I got watching Super-Dave blow himself up repeatedly. Will an updated version of this show be better? No. It’s okay to like the things you had as a kid, whatever it was, well made or not. But realize, mostly, these things are franchises. They are going to keep making them and changing it in order to fit with today’s generation’s taste. That is the most, unfortunately, the thing about nostalgia. If we keep wanting the past to return, We will never get the new stuff that we deserve.

Shows like Full House, Ren & Stimpy, and She-Ra: Princess of Power, are all coming back because people in my generation are now adults, who can buy everything that didn’t get as kids. I don’t know why people want She-Ra to come back, it wasn’t a good show to start with but if we keep going back to the well of the past, television series like, “House of Cards, Game of Thrones, and Rick and Morty”, new IP shows will never be given the chance to be made unless we give up living in the past.

There is good nostalgia, in fact, it may provide a way to learn from our own past mistakes. If someone remembers an old television show or an actor from an old movie and used that to be a better version of themselves, why not? It is when we keep wanting to live in the past is the problem. As much as I or anyone else what to go back as kids will just end up missing out on all the new stuff in the future. This is Yuji Hyde, Thank you for reading.

How To Survive A Horror Movie.

Whatever the story is, characters in almost any horror movies keep on making the same stupid mistakes. Splitting up the group, going alone in the basement, and saying “I’ll be right back” just before leaving into the darkness is just a small list of things on how to get yourself killed. I like to live and if I’m stuck in a horrible situation, their a few grounds rules I would like to share with the rest of you. My expertise in watching horror movies has given me knowledge of what not to do. This might save you.

IF YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED, MOVE!

If you bought a place that happens to be built on an ancient Indian graveyard and you got a real good deal, most likely this place gonna have a few ghosts. Sure, you saved a few bucks buying the place but is it really worth it not being able to sleep at night when you have something standing over you or waking up and seeing your chairs stacks up in an isometric order on your table.

Don’t try to make contact with them. They are already telling you to leave the house with stacking chairs, just take the loss and move. Being stubborn and staying put will make things a lot worse. Most likely the ghosts get fed up with you and just drop a piano on your head.

STAY AWAY FROM ANTIQUES.

I understand. Yours snooping around your great grandparents’ place, trying to figure out who they were in life and you find an old-looking book cover in the dust, written in a language that you don’t understand or maybe you see fun looking puzzle box. The older something is, the most likely it is going to kill you. Don’t read it and don’t play with it. It is not a journal but the book of the dead. It’s not a toy box but a puzzle from hell. If the “Evil Dead” series taught us anything, the Necronomicon is not something you need in your life. There are no rewards for solving a puzzle box from hell. Leave it alone, go to your room, and never talk about it.

DON’T SPLIT THE GROUP.

Monsters are just waiting for the easiest one to pick off. When you are being hunted, it doesn’t matter if you are the strongest or the smartest one in the group. Breaking from the group and going at it alone for any reason is going to get you killed. As a group, it will be harder to get picked off by the monster. Even if you need to go to the bathroom because there always something standing in the showers. There is safety in numbers.

STAY OUT OF THE FOREST

Unless your the Predator and you can cameo your skin and blend in among the trees, getting lost at night and bumping into trees as you try find a safe place is going to result in your death. Even if your only option is a scary old Cabin, it’s better to board yourself up than stand in open where you can’t see what’s coming at you.

DON’T TRUST KIDS.

Don’t be fooled!

There is nothing creepier than kids in a horror movie, especially if they are in a big cornfield There always something off when you run into one. They are wearing very clean school clothes or they speak in a monotone matter. Doesn’t matter how helpful the kid is getting you out of the forest or the kids are lost and you just want to help them out. It is most likely the devil incarnate or the scared innocent look they have just a way to make you drop your guard before they kill you. The best thing to do is to kick the creepy kid in the groin, run, and call child services. Yes, there is a chance that the creepy kid is just a kid but living in a horror movie, it is better safe than dead.

BEFORE ENTERING A CAR, ALWAYS CHECK THE BACKSEAT.

This should be common knowledge even if you are not living in a horror movie scenario or you been watching as many true crimes documentary as I am, always check the backseat. Chucky from “Child’s play” or Ghostface from the Scream movies demonstrate very clearly why you should always look back there before jumping into the car. Looking under the car or checking the Trunks is also a good idea as well because many vehicles have them connected to the passenger cabin.

 

TRUST THE CRAZY PEOPLE.

When you are stuck in the middle of a horror movie, listening to the crazy people might save your life. Listening to an old gas station owner or crazy cat lady, they might sound nothing more than lunatic non-sense but they know best on how to survived and beat the evil that is trying to kill you. They might sound off-putting when you run into one of these but take their ranting wisdom to heart. The key to survival is within the wisdom of these people.

DON’T STAY, “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK”.

Famous Last Words.

You might think it’s safe, the sun is out and you don’t see any monsters and you need to grab something in a different room. Go ahead and do that. But don’t ever say those three curse words. It is the same rules as not saying “Macbeth” in a theatre, if you wanna live, don’t say it “I’ll be right back”. You are not the Terminator, you not going be coming back. Say anything else but don’t be cute about it, saying it like your being sarcastic still counts.

I hope you never get caught in a real-life cliche horror movie scenario. However, with my advice on this very serious matter, you should be just fine. Beating back darkness is hard but you can live! Thank you for taking the time to read my list and I hope you have a very spooky and safe Halloween.

Bad Halloween Candy

It is that time of the month, Halloween is almost here. I remember when I was a young man, dressing up as a ninja turtle or a creature from the night. Get my face painted, the right outfit on, and wearing that one ugly orange jacket over everything because our parents didn’t want us to catch a cold when I went out the trick and treating.

 

It’s been a long time since I dressed up and went out on October 31st, but I remember the god awful candy I got over the years. Not all candy is created equal, and for every supersize candy bar I got, there are going to be two or three bite-size pieces of candy that will suck. Here is just a small list of candy that nobody should ever buy for Halloween.

 

THRILLS GUM:

What kind of mad candy scientist made this awful candy? Did his parents wash out his mouth with soap because he was a bad boy? Regardless of that mystery, THRILLS GUM is the only candy that is telling you what it tastes like on the cover, “IT STILL TASTE LIKE SOAP”. What parent will ever think a child wants to have the taste of “ZEST” hand soap in their mouth? If it cleans your mouth, I can see that can be useful, chewing it in between other candy, but no, it doesn’t, it just a crappy candy.

 

TOOTSIE ROLL:

This candy is a lie. It might look like a delightful piece of chocolate goodness, but don’t be fooled! This very chewing candy doesn’t taste like chocolate at all, but some kind of a mix between a rotten piece of hard cheese and stuff you find under your bed. I can’t of anyone who sees the world as a tootsie roll, despite what that old commercial said. Hard Pass.

POPEYE CANDY STICKS:

Coming in a tiny little Redbox with a picture of a cartoon sailor on it, made me think this is going to be a sweet treat! Unfortunately, another lie! This tiny piece of candy looks like chalk, feel like chalk, and taste like chalk, but taking one bite into one of these feel like I’m going to lose a tooth. It won’t be Halloween until your first trip to the dentist with chipped teeth.

SMARTIES:

Another piece of candy that tastes like chalk. These want to be M&Ms are just a cheap piece of sweets that every kid gets on Halloween. It doesn’t matter what small town or large city you grew up in, you will get smarties candy in your bag.

 

Hot Tamales:

I don’t hate the taste of cinnamon, only the consistency. These little cinnamon-flavored candies from hell always burn my mouth. They might look like something out of the candy box, Mike and Ike, but these little hot devils will just make you want to drink water more than keep knocking on doors for more candy.

BAZOOKA BUBBLE GUM:

 

A classic candy that your parents will remember. I remember eating over one at a time because the flavour only lasts as long as it takes to read the comic that comes with it. Now I got a mouth full of gum and not able to say “Trick or Treat”.

 

Fun Dip:

The only candy that you need to have steady hands to eat because of any movement you will spill all tiny bites of sugar all over the place. When you are already hype on candy, this is not something you want to eat.

 

Twinkies:

 

Twinkies are not a bad treat to get, but knowing it will flatten under the weight of all other candies in your bag. Unless you like pancake twinkies, it just not worth it.

SUN-MAID RAISIN:

After a long night of going door to door, asking for candy, coming home, and dumping my bag filled with goods, seeing one of these little red boxes of raisin always makes me mad. The Forbidden fruit of all Halloween, Raisins is one of the worst things to get. They are not sweet like a lollipop. They are not sour like Warheads. They are dry, sweetness little bugs that you won’t even bother putting them on your cereal. They stick to your teeth when you eat them, and they are not all that healthy for you. According to the NHS, because they stick to do your teeth so well, the bacteria will just rot your teeth! Why do parents even bother buying these for Halloween? Is this some kind of revenge because they got raisin when they were little trick or treaters? How sad.

TOOTHBRUSHES

Okay, I know toothbrushes are not candy but at least with raisins, you can at least eat them but getting a toothbrush instead of candy  is like spitting in the face of Halloween’s spirit. Every child who goes out knows they have a toothbrush at home waiting for them when they get back. So why give these out? They are not even good toothbrushes. It’s the ones you see at your local drugstore in the dollar bin. buying cheap kids’ candy is one thing, but cheating them out of candy altogether? Your just asking for trouble.

 

This is only a few pieces of god awful candy I got on Halloween. It’s not a complete list, I’ am sure I have forgotten some, but they’re always sweets in the future that will top the awful stuff but it will never replace the nightmares of bad candy I got on Halloween. I hope this list will remind you not to repeat the mistakes of the past and have yourself a very spooky Halloween.

Birthday Blues

 

My Birthday is this month, and I am not happy.  Instead of feeling great that I survived another year, I just feel I’m getting fatter and more cynical. I should be celebrating like I’m fifteen years old and having my sweet quinceanera. Well, I’m not fifteen years old anymore and I’m now the pinata that gets bang around. And because of this pandemic, my options to celebrate with friends is limited to going to a bar and drinking myself into a stupor, or staying home and drinking myself into a stupor. Both options are very bleak. But it is my special day and if I can’t go and party I can still try to enjoy myself one way or another.

 

Staying home and watching Netflix has been a great time killer, but I have already run out of shows I want to watch.  Everything from “Stranger Things’ to Tiger King; and once you get bored with Tiger King, I don’t know what else is there to watch. Sure, I can check out “Cobra Kai” and see a much older Ralph Macchio do fake karate or I can just watch the Karate Kid again. Both options are not very interesting because I don’t want to watch something I  have already seen. Still, it is my special day and I  want to do something. Staying home alone isn’t something I want to do, especially on my birthday. I went for a walk in the city.

Once I got into the city, I notice how quiet it is.  Even with the pandemic, the city is such a peaceful place to walk around in, so many magnificent pieces of street art to look at.  Before the pandemic, I would just walk right past them, not given them any notices.

But now,  I have the time to stop and look.  One of these pieces of art is The Granville Island “Sao Paulo”. , one of the best pieces in the city. Because just standing there and looking up at these painted giants on silos, make me feel like a tiny ant. These giant yellow looking people, makes me want to run and hide or I might get stepped on.  I wish we had more public pieces of art in Vancouver.

As I left Granville Island, I walked past the newest tent city. Looking at the growth of the number of homeless people we have reminds me of Spawn comic’s rat city.  Great to see some local nurses down there, helping those who need it.  Being there among the less fortunate is a glorious reminder that I have it better good compare to what the homeless have.

 

So, I went to my old music shop, Zulu Records. I haven’t been here in years, but they are still open. Even with the rise of online music and the death of many other music shops in the city, Zulu is still open for business. Walking into this place with (my medical mask on), it still has that old static  80 musks that you can’t get anywhere else, felt like I never left.  I wanted to pick up a vinyl album as a birthday gift to myself. I’m not one of those hipsters will just collect album because it’s trendy, but I enjoy the art of the album and the sound that comes out of the vinyl record player.  I remember reading about how music can be very therapeutic. How music can change your mental state into a more positive one but also aid in helping your physical body as well. From lowing your blood pressure to reducing your heart rate. Knowing this, I obviously pick up a copy of Dethklok’s Album “The Doomstar Requiem” surely these minstrels can turn my frown upside down!

 

I got home in the evening, put away my album, and I turn on the television and watch the news. I was hoping for something good that happens today, but  I knew it won’t be.  It was nothing but  cOVID-19 trash and more President Trump controversial. I turned it off. After my adventure around the city, I didn’t feel I wasted my birthday.

 

I took a walk in the city, finding out how peaceful and gorgeous the city can be when you don’t drive all the time. Show some great street art that the city can produce and stop by the tent city was a pleasant reminder that I don’t have it as bad as the others.

 

Maybe that’s all it takes to change your mood, to make you feel less shitty.  You just need to put in a small amount of effort and get your body moving.   Overall, a pretty decent birthday.