Can You Break The Secret?

Owner: Yuji Hyde

 

 

I love a good treasure hunt. From Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island to Al Capone’s lost vault. Stories (both fiction and non) about finding that hidden gold always make a thrilling story. But what is more amazing is there are real treasure hunts anyone can join! Across the United States and Canada, there are 12 hidden treasures just waiting for someone like you to dig up. Since the birth of the internet, Byron Preiss’s The Secret is getting even more people hunting for his hidden gold. But this isn’t your typical “X marks the spot and dig” kind of map. The Secret is a true puzzle.

 

www.ripleys.com

 

In 1982, Byron Preiss, an American writer, and publisher, was looking at a picture book called Masquerade where he got the idea to create a massive treasure hunt. He took this idea and buried 12 boxes in the ground between Canada and the USA, then he released his book, The Secret. A Treasure Hunt.

www.ripleys.com

Within the book are Twelve paintings and verses. The reader must match one with the other and decode the cryptic message that will lead you to one of the hidden treasures. There are no other hints elsewhere and unfortunately, Byron Preiss died in a traffic accident in 2005, taking the locations to his grave. As of February 15, 2021,  three of the twelve treasure boxes have been unearthed. The first one in Chicago (1983); the second in Cleveland (2004) and the most recent (2019) was in Boston.

If you want more information about this massive hunt, check out the website https://12treasures.com/. I wish you the best of luck in finding that bounty.

Vancouver’s Red Herring newest Album: “Neon”

Formed in 1984 and winning the CITR Radio’s first Shindig and with critical acclaim from the Vancouver Sun and Discorder Magazine for their debut EP, Taste Tests, Vancouver indie-rock band, “Red Herring” came out with a new album today, Neon. The Neon EP features the complete return of the original 1980s lineup, Enrico Renz (guitar and vocals), Martin Walton (bass), Stephen Nikleva (Guitar), Steve Lazin (Drums) Id Guinness (keyboardist), and Tania Gosgnach (backing vocalist).

 Included with Neon is the lead single and music video, The Brain Song. This song was also just featured on The Strombo show’s Halloween episode. It was a good fit because watching this psychedelic horror of a music video made me almost comatose with its kaleidoscopic visual and trippy sound. If this video was a child, its Father would be Frank Zappa and the Mother would be Tommy Chong.  Who needs drugs when you can just watch this instead. (please do drugs responsibly) 

 

Also including this album is the music video Julia, a slow pace love song with beautiful vocals and soothing guitar rips. A very relaxing song, with the opening reminding me of something out of J. R. R. Tolkien’s Middle Earth.  When William Cooks from “Vancouver Weekly”  interview the songwriter Enrico Renz about Julia said, “This is the most romantic song on our album Neon. I was reading a lot of Alan Watts (known for interpreting and popularising Buddhism, Taoism and Hinduism for a Western audience) at the time, and I think you’ll find a lot of him in the lyrics.” –

The Album is now available on their website (https://redherring1.bandcamp.com/community) and Spotify. For more information about the band’s history, please check out their Facebook page ( https://www.facebook.com/redherringvancouver/ )or follow them on Instagram ( https://www.instagram.com/redherringvancouver/ )

 

A Brief History of the Commodore Ballroom.

The Commodore Ballroom. 1950 (Photo Art Jones, Vancouver Public Library, 83192

Since opening its doors in 1929, the legendary award-winning Commodore Ballroom has hosted music legends, from slick jazz singer, Sammy Davis Jr to grudge icon, Nirvana. Since then, this historic venue continues to open its doors to world-famous musicians and local indie bands. Located on The Granville strip, this venue has seen its difficulties but keeps marching on.

Built by the infamous bootleggers Reifel family (the Canadian version of Bugsy Malone), it opened on a cold winter day in December 1929 to a sellout crowd, who wanted to see Wendell Dorey and his orchestra. They were forced to close temporarily because of the Great Depression, but it reopened a year later. When the Commodore reopened on Dec 3rd, 1930, it made headlines for its English-style ballroom and sprung dance floor, which was the first in the city.

Commodore Dance Floor. 1930. Photographer Stuart Thomson.

They also featured a house band, meals, and alcoholic drinks. During prohibition, The Vancouver Police would routinely raid the venue looking for alcohol and intoxicated patrons. Luckily by the time the police entered from the street, the Doorman would signal a buzzer, notifying the band to play “Roll out the barrel”, a warning song to let the audiences hide their drinks.

Drew Burns. Bc Entertainment Hall Of Fame

In the summer of 1969, The Commodore changed hands to Drew Burns (1969 to 1996); he shifted away from its jazz roots and embraced the new rock sounds. Since that change in direction, he brought in bands such as The Ramones, David Bowie, and The Pixies.

During the 1990s, The Commodore fell into a legal dispute with the owners of the building when Burn’s lease ended. Burns wanted to sell the Commodore and retire, but the owner’s lawyer filed an injunction and the matter went to Provincial Court. Judge Wally Oppal, who was presiding over the case, was sympathetic to Burns’s situation, but could not legally rule in his favour. The closure was detrimental to Vancouver’s music scene because there were no comparable venues of its size in Vancouver. Many tours just skipped Vancouver. The Commodore stayed closed for over three

After three years of renovations by the new owners (Live Nation), on Nov 12th, 1999, The Commodore was back and has since remained one of the country’s most important live music venues. In 2011, Billboard Magazine ranked the Commodore, alongside Chicago’s Metro, Los Angeles’s Troubadour, and San Francisco’s Fillmore, as one of the most influential concert venues in North America.

Today, however, The Commodore is temporarily closed because of the COVID-19 pandemic. However, the venue is adding new acts for next year, such as The Flaming Lips (January 28th) and The Zombies (June 24th). For more information, please go to http://www.commodoreballroom.com/

 

 

Indie Week Canada Starts In Two Days!

As COVID-19 is keeping everyone inside, many musical concerts still cannot play, they are instead turning to online streaming services such as Twitch, YouTube Live, and VRChat. With these online services, fans will chat and see their favourite band on the virtual level. Because of that, there are many music events that will be organized online, including “Indie Week Canada 2020”.

Starting from November 10 to 14th, the 18th edition of Indie Week Canada is a yearly music conference that gives bands all around the world the opportunity to network and meet many industry representatives and fellow indie artists.  This year, what would normally be an in-person event, is now a 5-day online conference.

The topics of this year’s event will be, Mental health education, international, mentorships, and networking. Each day of the conference will have different music industry representatives and artists to give their valuable knowledge to those who attend.

Here is the list of music industry representatives and indie artists that will attend the conference.

Ace Piva, Aly Gillani, Andrea Higgins, Andrew Karis, Barry Rooke, Beverley Whitrick, Brian Moncarz, Byron Pascoe, Catherine Jones, Cecilia Soojeong Yi, Chris Robley, Cory Crossman, Daniel Melnick, Danny Keir, Darryl Hurs, Dave Cool, David “Prz” Przygoda, David Silbaugh, Dmitri Vietze, Doug Elliott, Eric Alper, George Clark, Heli Del Moral, Jason Joven, Jeff Rogers, Jenn Ivanovs, Joel Jelinski, John Seo, Jordi Puy, Karabo Motijoane, Katya Bazhanova, Keith Tan, Kevin Breuner, Leon Harrison, Linda Bloss-Baum, Luke Danelon, Magdalena Jensen, Marcos Chomen, Martin Atkins, Matias Moreno, Michael Bamfo, Michael Perlmutter, Michelle Holtzkener, Mike Strano, Mike Tanner, Mike Warner, Milica Cuckic, Nicole Sarmiento, Olly Rowland, Peter Albert, Piyapong Muenprasertdee, Radek Chudzio, Rebecca Helgeson, Rebecca Webster, Ritnika Nayan, Sarah Hagerman, Stacey Bedford, Stephen Carroll, Tagui Sole, Tara Tank, Tony Duckworth, Tracy Maddux, and Tristra Yeager.

For more information, please go to their website, https://www.indieweek.com/.

 

The Boom Boom’s A Million Miles: Review

The Boom Booms is an indie soul band from Vancouver BC.  comprises six members, brothers Aaron Ross (lead vocals) and Sean Ross (keys), Tom Van Deursen (guitar), Geordie Hart (bass), and Theo Vincent (drums).   Many critics have praised them for their alternative souls, and they played on the biggest stages in Canada including, Toronto Jazz Fest, TD Vancouver International Jazz Festival, and Salmon Arms Roots & Blues.  It’s been three years since the Boom Booms’ sophomore album, Love Is Overdue, was released. Do their  3rd record albums, “A Million Miles” stack up to their past albums? Quite well.

With tremendous energy and killer lyrics, The Boom Booms’ newest album is amazing. I especially enjoyed the last song on the album, “I am”.

When asked about the theme of the album, Aaron Ross said in an interview, ““For me a lot of the album is about saying goodbye. Letting go. Moving on. Everyone will interpret the songs in different ways of course but I just felt the need to unpack certain things. Like I was emotionally pent up, you know? And I’m too cheap for therapy so I pick up the guitar. This album was about wrapping up all those emotions and putting them down, moving on into the next chapter.”

For more information about the band, please check their website (http://www.theboombooms.com/) or follow them on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/theboombooms/) and Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/theboombooms)

 

 

Dan Mangan – There’s a Tumor in the White House: Review

Dan Mangan

Protest songs have been around for centuries. From Yankee Doodle (1780s), Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are a-Changin” (1964) to Rage Against the Machine, “Sleep Now in the Fire” (1999). Whatever there is a civil unrest, somebody will write a song about it.  Local artist Dan Mangan continues with this tradition with his new music video, “THERES A TUMOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE”.

Dan Mangan’s music career is astonishing.  His debut album, “Postcards & Daydreaming” (2005) was well received in the Canadian indie music scene. He won two Juno awards for his fourth studio album (Club Meds), for Best Alternative Album of the Year and New Artist of the Year  (2011). He also scored some splendid music for movies (Hector and the Search for Happiness). However, is his new song “THERES A TUMOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE”  good?  Not really.

 

The song never directly names Donald Trump, but it refers to past events that many people blame him for. I understand the anger and the message of this song, and I agree with some implications.  However, agreeing with the messages of the song doesn’t make it an excellent song.

The slow pace of the guitar felt like he was putting a beaten horse to sleep. The lyrics are so uninspiringly dull, you can find something with more substance on the back of cereal boxes.  The ending line, “I really hope it’s not too late”  doesn’t fill with me any kind of hope for a better future but fills me with dread for the next four years. What people need is something that gives them optimism, and this whiny song doesn’t do that.

Listen to Janis Joplin’s rendition of Down on Me (1967). She gave the song such power with her voice and she changed the ending of that song to:  “Believe in your brother, have faith in man. Help each other honey, if you can…” This song gave me more hope for the future and they recorded it in 1967.

I don’t enjoy shitting on people’s art. The sacrifices and years of mastering one craft are something everyone should look up to. Dan Mangan is one of those people. I am looking forward to his next studio album, but if this song is going to be what’s coming. I would rather just wait for it in the dollar bin.

Big Shiny Tunes 2 Review: Part 2

Third Eye Blind – Semi Charmed Life 

For a song about crystal meth, it always brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. Catchy rhythm and lyrics and beat that is rock, alternative, but in today’s world, not alternative much.

Smash Mouth – Walking on the Sun

According to the writer of the song, guitarist Greg Camp said this song is about the 1992 LA riots.  This is a good cheerful song. It’s catchy, well-crafted, and well-written. Nothing like what happened in LA in 1992.

 

Sugar Ray – Fly (ft. Supercat)

Not as good as I remembered it. Few catchy pop hooks and frankly did not age well.

Bran Van 3000 – Drinking in LA

This is one of those songs that makes me feel superb.  it. Reminds me of the summer days, driving around and just chilling with a beer and my mates. Good times.

 

There are more songs on this CD but I can only listen to so much 90’s music before my brains turn to mush. Not to say all the songs are bad, but most are forgettable (Holly McNarland- Numb) and just don’t vibe with me as it did when I was younger (Collective Soul -Precious Declaration)

As much as I love going back in time and reliving my teen years, I am happy the Big Shiny tunes series ended in 2009.

Big Shiny Tunes 2 Review: Part 1

Before YouTube, iTunes and Napster, the only way a young Canadian can listen to new music they like, was turning in to your favourite radio stations or turning on and watching Much Music. then you bought said music at a store that sold CDs or cassettes.https://commons.bcit.ca/evolution1079/files/2020/11/Big_Shiny_Tunes_2.jpg

 

There was always a risk when you went to buy the album, either the entire album is going to be great or you only going to like that one song you listen to on the radio and the rest is just junk.

Fortunately,  Much Music started releasing mix CDs (or cassettes tapes) called Big Shiny Tunes, and the only one I still have today is Big Shiny Tunes 2.

Big Shiny Tunes 2  came out 23 years ago. If you’re not familiar with this astounding album, Big Shiny Tunes series is an album compiled and released by MuchMusic. Each Album is a combination of Canadian, British and American performers and as of today, Big Shiny Tunes 2 is the fourth best-selling album in Canadian music history (It was third for the longest time until 21 by Adele took that spot).

 

But does it still hold up with today’s music? I dusted off my boombox and slap my copy of BST2  in and sample a few of the tracks to hear if the songs are still as good today.

 

The Prodigy–Breathe

This song is the lost child of the lost boys from Neverland. You don’t remember it until you hear it. This is not a song you can sing when driving. The edgy cringe lyrics don’t encourage me to “Breathe the pressure”.  However, this single is an outstanding example of what the genre can be, a very 90s type of big beats along with the addition of Industrial Rock elements.

 

 

BLUR- Song 2 

Like the old saying goes, “don’t judge a book by its cover”. BLUR’s Song 2 lacks lyrics but makes up for it in pure energy.  Started out as a song written to poke fun at the Grunge music era. Now it is a song you will hear at any High School Rally.

 

Part 2: https://commons.bcit.ca/evolution1079/2020/11/03/big-shiny-tunes-2-review-part-2/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matthew Good Band: Underdogs

 

released October 7,1997

As a young man growing up in a time when pop bands like Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys were echoing in the school halls, thoughts of vehicular homicide felt like the answer. Fortunately (for them) I didn’t own a car and a driver’s license, but I had a brand new CD player and the album that saved me from committing murder.

Matthew Good Band: Underdogs was one of the first CDs I bought and still own to this day.

This album was everything great in the late 90s “alt-rock scene”. Similar to the English band, Catherine Wheel, Underdogs have an unusual lurking emotion. The vocals from lead singer Matthew Good are strangely interesting music that pulls you in.

If I can compare this album to a drink, it will have a dash of Joey Santiago, a splash of the Pixies, and a liter of Black Francis. One song that stands out is “Everything is Automatic”. The song features the alternative willfulness in its pace and a ripe outlet for Good’s cynicism in its theme.

Unfortunately, they won’t be another album like “Underdog”. Matthew Good is still making music, but it doesn’t have the same energy that his last albums, and that’s fine, given the fact Underdogs came out over 20 years ago. You should never keep playing the same style of music all the time, you just end up sounding static.

However, with today’s newer Canadian bands, I don’t think we will get another album like Underdogs.

The Mounties: Thrash Rock Legacy Review

Trying to find interesting or at least enjoyable new music is much harder than it sounds. Most of the new indie bands I have been listening to on social music platforms are imitating what is popular with today’s generations.  Not that it is a bad thing, per se. The incentive of making money is strong and doing something that you know works is easier, but as I believe the cliche “selling out” is what most of these bands turn into.  I rather listen to something new than something I heard hundred times over. I won’t like it, but at least it won’t show up in a dollar bin at your local supermarket.

However, The Indie-Alternative Rock band, The Mounties, is not one of them. This  “superband” (the music world’s version of a Limited Edition Combo Pack) comprise of three members: Hawksley Workman, Steve Bays (Hot Hot Heat and Fur Trade) and Ryan Dahle (Age of Electric and Limblifter), made the album “Thrash Rock Legacy”.  Although the album is not thrash music, whatever or not that is a good thing, I leave it to you, but more of a love song to the 90s rock music scene.

Having a unique sound on an album isn’t a bad thing, but it hurts the flow of this album. Fortunately, most of the songs on this 12 piece album are banging. “If This Dance Catches On” with its thundering rock riff and banging drums beats is fantastic.

 

The only song I felt was weak was almost-wordless “Guaranteed Blonde Enough”. It sounds like the song you hear at the end of a teen movie’s credits.

Overall, this album is fantastic and what this Kabal of three created it will be great as a road trip song or something you can get lost in when working out.  I haven’t heard their next album, but it is on my list.

This is Yuji Hyde and thank you for reading.

 

Five Terrible Songs That Everyone Loves.

Ever listen to a song that was so bad, it makes you want to vomit out your ears? Yet,  everyone else in the world just loves that song that made you deaf. I don’t understand why some songs get so popular when others don’t get any notice at all. Maybe it’s good marketing, timing on a release, or some people just like listening to bad music. Everything is subjective, but I feel there are songs that do not deserve to be number one. They should on fire in a trashcan.  Here are five terrible songs that everyone should not love. To make this fairer, I’m going to talk about songs that had been on the Billboard top 100 and are in English. Obviously, there are over five, but I can only re-listen to so many awful songs in one day.

 

1:  Informer (1992) Snow.

Hitting the number one spot on Billboard a Canadian artist, Darrin Kenneth O’Brien, or as his performing name Snow created top 100 spots for many weeks. His mashup of two styles of melody, Reggae, and Hip-Pop, birth this abomination song. Snow, the man who managed to fit 10 words in one syllable, composed such stirring lyrics, like “I’m sick and tired of the 5-0 running up on the block You know what I’m saying”? I don’t know what you are saying, but I know what you are telling me. Snow, your cringe writing style and lack of awareness of music theory with your bizarre verses may have been popular back in the 90s, but not for listening to it today. I rather buried my head into hot sand than chill with more of Snow’s awful music.

2: Little Girls (1981) Oingo Boingo.

To this day, Danny Elfman had scored one of the best music in film and he is one of the best composers in the world. From 1985 Tim Burton’s Pee-wee’s Big Adventure to the Grammy-winning score to the movie,  Batman. Elfman has proven to be one of the best in his industry. Before all that, he was in the band called “Oingo Boingo and wrote the song, “Little Girls”. I understand that they made this song to be a satire of its time, but the music video for this doesn’t help if you watch it today. In these hypersensitive times, this controversial song with lyrics, “I like little girls. They make me feel so good. When they’re around, they make me feel like I’m the only guy in town”, will only not get an apology from the artist but will never work in mainstream music again. This disturbing song about a predator living out his dream is not something I want to listen to again.

3: Whip My Hair (2010) Willow.

This artist proves that just because you share DNA with famous talented artists, doesn’t mean you are talented. Regardless, this song also proves that equality exists and kids are just as capable as adults at creating utter trash.  The song seems to written by a child who spent the better part of their childhood on some strange planet, came to earth to share the song of their people. I’m guessing the planet is Uranus because the song, “Whip my Hair”  stinks. The annoying beat, heavy synthesizers, and static drums’ beat are just the tip of this genetic song. The lyrics are barely rememberable besides the too often said lines, “I whip my hair”. This line is said too many times, I don’t even care what she was trying to say with the rest of the song because it is not understandable.  I like to think this song made Willow look in her mirror and remember she still a kid and not her father, Will Smith.

2: Perfect (2017) Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran had written some wonderful songs in the past, Perfect isn’t one of them. Every time I hear this irritating song, I want to rip my ears off.  This god awful lyrics, “I found a love, to carry more than secrets… To carry love..” Ed, you found love to carry your love? Did someone hit you over the head with a hammer? This is horrible and to think it came out of a guy like Ed Sheeran is baffling. The instrumental is standard for its time and lyrics sound like it came from a rejected episode of a daytime tv drama show.   Not even the duet you do with Beyonce can save this song.

 

1: Weezer (1992-present)

I know I am cheating here because I’m talking about a band, not a song, but when every single song that a band makes is awful,  I’m going to add the whole band to my list. Weezer,  since the beginning of this band’s inception, it was never great. I have little time for this band dull lyrics like in the song “Beverly Hills”, it lacks any positive merit beside showing off how rich you are. Their instrumental style is so boring, it something you hear from the high school band a deaf teacher put together that. The nerdy style of poetic writing is so terrible, it will make Charles Bukowski spin in his grave.  I don’t understand why many people think Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer of the band, is some kind of musical messiah. He’s basic at the best of times, and each new song he releases is just proving that his image of being a musical geek is a mirage. Yes, they have some successful albums such as the “Red Album” but every other new album that you going to release sounds the same as the last one, I rather just not even bother.

 

Some artists I listed have produced some great songs ( everyone but Weezer)  and I’m sure they will make more. However,  for every great song, they will always be one awful one. Nobody is perfect and I will not listen to awful songs. My name is Yuji and thank you for reading.

Nostalgia Sucks

“They are destroying my childhood”! It is something I and many of you have said in the past whenever a film studio wanted to reboot or add another sequel to an old franchise. There was a time where I will fight and whine about how Disney ruined Star Wars or how Michael Bay didn’t understand Transformers. I will scream, “you’re not respecting the roots!”, at them, while wearing my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s shirt and with my Walkman in hand. Nostalgia is a powerful drug, and I know how it feels when it hits you hard. You just want another hit of that good childhood feeling that we all lost when we grew up. However, if we take a good look at our childhood, most of the shows we grew up watching, they were not very good in the first place. My old CD collections are just a reminder of the bad music taste I once had, and candy was way too sweet back then. Let stop kidding around and let the past died.

I understand when we become adults; we get buried with bills, maintaining relationships, juggling careers, studying hard to finish school and all the other things that break our backs. Sometimes, we all yearn for an escape back to a simple time. When life is seen to be a lot easier. When the present is filled with uncertainty, drinking back a warm glass of nostalgia will always make you feel better. The release of the endorphins when we turn on a show I watch as a kid, amazing. Unfortunately, those shows that we love and grew up with such great fondness, were made for sinful nature, with kids in mind. They made many of them just to sell toys to kids’ parents to buy. The simple story, colourful characters, and predictable ending were made so children can understand. At the end of each show, kids will run to their parents, begging them to buy the toys. Even music back then was not only terrible but made to be so cookie-cutter bad. So they all sound the same thing. If you ask me the difference between a song from the band 98 degrees and O-Town, I couldn’t tell you. With sweets like jawbreakers and Airheads were once a great treat when a little me. Now, it just too sweet for me. Going back and re-watching these shows, listening to music from that generation, and eating childhood sweets, will only remind us how truly bad they were.

I watch my old DVD copy of “Super Dave: Daredevil For Hire” a few weeks ago, one of my all-time favourite cartoons shows. I remember waking up on a Saturday morning, running downstairs in my PJs and turning on the old tv, and watching this show. Staring the late comedian Bob Einstein, I thought I was in for a fun-filled drink of nostalgia, but it ended with a foul aftertaste of disappointment and regret. With the bad animations, predictable ending, and terrible voice work, not only I wasted my time watching this old cartoon, but it was a glorious reminder that I am no longer that kid anymore. My taste in entertainment has changed. I need something more depth in the story than what I got watching Super-Dave blow himself up repeatedly. Will an updated version of this show be better? No. It’s okay to like the things you had as a kid, whatever it was, well made or not. But realize, mostly, these things are franchises. They are going to keep making them and changing it in order to fit with today’s generation’s taste. That is the most, unfortunately, the thing about nostalgia. If we keep wanting the past to return, We will never get the new stuff that we deserve.

Shows like Full House, Ren & Stimpy, and She-Ra: Princess of Power, are all coming back because people in my generation are now adults, who can buy everything that didn’t get as kids. I don’t know why people want She-Ra to come back, it wasn’t a good show to start with but if we keep going back to the well of the past, television series like, “House of Cards, Game of Thrones, and Rick and Morty”, new IP shows will never be given the chance to be made unless we give up living in the past.

There is good nostalgia, in fact, it may provide a way to learn from our own past mistakes. If someone remembers an old television show or an actor from an old movie and used that to be a better version of themselves, why not? It is when we keep wanting to live in the past is the problem. As much as I or anyone else what to go back as kids will just end up missing out on all the new stuff in the future. This is Yuji Hyde, Thank you for reading.

How To Survive A Horror Movie.

Whatever the story is, characters in almost any horror movies keep on making the same stupid mistakes. Splitting up the group, going alone in the basement, and saying “I’ll be right back” just before leaving into the darkness is just a small list of things on how to get yourself killed. I like to live and if I’m stuck in a horrible situation, their a few grounds rules I would like to share with the rest of you. My expertise in watching horror movies has given me knowledge of what not to do. This might save you.

IF YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED, MOVE!

If you bought a place that happens to be built on an ancient Indian graveyard and you got a real good deal, most likely this place gonna have a few ghosts. Sure, you saved a few bucks buying the place but is it really worth it not being able to sleep at night when you have something standing over you or waking up and seeing your chairs stacks up in an isometric order on your table.

Don’t try to make contact with them. They are already telling you to leave the house with stacking chairs, just take the loss and move. Being stubborn and staying put will make things a lot worse. Most likely the ghosts get fed up with you and just drop a piano on your head.

STAY AWAY FROM ANTIQUES.

I understand. Yours snooping around your great grandparents’ place, trying to figure out who they were in life and you find an old-looking book cover in the dust, written in a language that you don’t understand or maybe you see fun looking puzzle box. The older something is, the most likely it is going to kill you. Don’t read it and don’t play with it. It is not a journal but the book of the dead. It’s not a toy box but a puzzle from hell. If the “Evil Dead” series taught us anything, the Necronomicon is not something you need in your life. There are no rewards for solving a puzzle box from hell. Leave it alone, go to your room, and never talk about it.

DON’T SPLIT THE GROUP.

Monsters are just waiting for the easiest one to pick off. When you are being hunted, it doesn’t matter if you are the strongest or the smartest one in the group. Breaking from the group and going at it alone for any reason is going to get you killed. As a group, it will be harder to get picked off by the monster. Even if you need to go to the bathroom because there always something standing in the showers. There is safety in numbers.

STAY OUT OF THE FOREST

Unless your the Predator and you can cameo your skin and blend in among the trees, getting lost at night and bumping into trees as you try find a safe place is going to result in your death. Even if your only option is a scary old Cabin, it’s better to board yourself up than stand in open where you can’t see what’s coming at you.

DON’T TRUST KIDS.

Don’t be fooled!

There is nothing creepier than kids in a horror movie, especially if they are in a big cornfield There always something off when you run into one. They are wearing very clean school clothes or they speak in a monotone matter. Doesn’t matter how helpful the kid is getting you out of the forest or the kids are lost and you just want to help them out. It is most likely the devil incarnate or the scared innocent look they have just a way to make you drop your guard before they kill you. The best thing to do is to kick the creepy kid in the groin, run, and call child services. Yes, there is a chance that the creepy kid is just a kid but living in a horror movie, it is better safe than dead.

BEFORE ENTERING A CAR, ALWAYS CHECK THE BACKSEAT.

This should be common knowledge even if you are not living in a horror movie scenario or you been watching as many true crimes documentary as I am, always check the backseat. Chucky from “Child’s play” or Ghostface from the Scream movies demonstrate very clearly why you should always look back there before jumping into the car. Looking under the car or checking the Trunks is also a good idea as well because many vehicles have them connected to the passenger cabin.

 

TRUST THE CRAZY PEOPLE.

When you are stuck in the middle of a horror movie, listening to the crazy people might save your life. Listening to an old gas station owner or crazy cat lady, they might sound nothing more than lunatic non-sense but they know best on how to survived and beat the evil that is trying to kill you. They might sound off-putting when you run into one of these but take their ranting wisdom to heart. The key to survival is within the wisdom of these people.

DON’T STAY, “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK”.

Famous Last Words.

You might think it’s safe, the sun is out and you don’t see any monsters and you need to grab something in a different room. Go ahead and do that. But don’t ever say those three curse words. It is the same rules as not saying “Macbeth” in a theatre, if you wanna live, don’t say it “I’ll be right back”. You are not the Terminator, you not going be coming back. Say anything else but don’t be cute about it, saying it like your being sarcastic still counts.

I hope you never get caught in a real-life cliche horror movie scenario. However, with my advice on this very serious matter, you should be just fine. Beating back darkness is hard but you can live! Thank you for taking the time to read my list and I hope you have a very spooky and safe Halloween.

Bad Halloween Candy

It is that time of the month, Halloween is almost here. I remember when I was a young man, dressing up as a ninja turtle or a creature from the night. Get my face painted, the right outfit on, and wearing that one ugly orange jacket over everything because our parents didn’t want us to catch a cold when I went out the trick and treating.

 

It’s been a long time since I dressed up and went out on October 31st, but I remember the god awful candy I got over the years. Not all candy is created equal, and for every supersize candy bar I got, there are going to be two or three bite-size pieces of candy that will suck. Here is just a small list of candy that nobody should ever buy for Halloween.

 

THRILLS GUM:

What kind of mad candy scientist made this awful candy? Did his parents wash out his mouth with soap because he was a bad boy? Regardless of that mystery, THRILLS GUM is the only candy that is telling you what it tastes like on the cover, “IT STILL TASTE LIKE SOAP”. What parent will ever think a child wants to have the taste of “ZEST” hand soap in their mouth? If it cleans your mouth, I can see that can be useful, chewing it in between other candy, but no, it doesn’t, it just a crappy candy.

 

TOOTSIE ROLL:

This candy is a lie. It might look like a delightful piece of chocolate goodness, but don’t be fooled! This very chewing candy doesn’t taste like chocolate at all, but some kind of a mix between a rotten piece of hard cheese and stuff you find under your bed. I can’t of anyone who sees the world as a tootsie roll, despite what that old commercial said. Hard Pass.

POPEYE CANDY STICKS:

Coming in a tiny little Redbox with a picture of a cartoon sailor on it, made me think this is going to be a sweet treat! Unfortunately, another lie! This tiny piece of candy looks like chalk, feel like chalk, and taste like chalk, but taking one bite into one of these feel like I’m going to lose a tooth. It won’t be Halloween until your first trip to the dentist with chipped teeth.

SMARTIES:

Another piece of candy that tastes like chalk. These want to be M&Ms are just a cheap piece of sweets that every kid gets on Halloween. It doesn’t matter what small town or large city you grew up in, you will get smarties candy in your bag.

 

Hot Tamales:

I don’t hate the taste of cinnamon, only the consistency. These little cinnamon-flavored candies from hell always burn my mouth. They might look like something out of the candy box, Mike and Ike, but these little hot devils will just make you want to drink water more than keep knocking on doors for more candy.

BAZOOKA BUBBLE GUM:

 

A classic candy that your parents will remember. I remember eating over one at a time because the flavour only lasts as long as it takes to read the comic that comes with it. Now I got a mouth full of gum and not able to say “Trick or Treat”.

 

Fun Dip:

The only candy that you need to have steady hands to eat because of any movement you will spill all tiny bites of sugar all over the place. When you are already hype on candy, this is not something you want to eat.

 

Twinkies:

 

Twinkies are not a bad treat to get, but knowing it will flatten under the weight of all other candies in your bag. Unless you like pancake twinkies, it just not worth it.

SUN-MAID RAISIN:

After a long night of going door to door, asking for candy, coming home, and dumping my bag filled with goods, seeing one of these little red boxes of raisin always makes me mad. The Forbidden fruit of all Halloween, Raisins is one of the worst things to get. They are not sweet like a lollipop. They are not sour like Warheads. They are dry, sweetness little bugs that you won’t even bother putting them on your cereal. They stick to your teeth when you eat them, and they are not all that healthy for you. According to the NHS, because they stick to do your teeth so well, the bacteria will just rot your teeth! Why do parents even bother buying these for Halloween? Is this some kind of revenge because they got raisin when they were little trick or treaters? How sad.

TOOTHBRUSHES

Okay, I know toothbrushes are not candy but at least with raisins, you can at least eat them but getting a toothbrush instead of candy  is like spitting in the face of Halloween’s spirit. Every child who goes out knows they have a toothbrush at home waiting for them when they get back. So why give these out? They are not even good toothbrushes. It’s the ones you see at your local drugstore in the dollar bin. buying cheap kids’ candy is one thing, but cheating them out of candy altogether? Your just asking for trouble.

 

This is only a few pieces of god awful candy I got on Halloween. It’s not a complete list, I’ am sure I have forgotten some, but they’re always sweets in the future that will top the awful stuff but it will never replace the nightmares of bad candy I got on Halloween. I hope this list will remind you not to repeat the mistakes of the past and have yourself a very spooky Halloween.