Whatever the story is, characters in almost any horror movies keep on making the same stupid mistakes. Splitting up the group, going alone in the basement, and saying “I’ll be right back” just before leaving into the darkness is just a small list of things on how to get yourself killed. I like to live and if I’m stuck in a horrible situation, their a few grounds rules I would like to share with the rest of you. My expertise in watching horror movies has given me knowledge of what not to do. This might save you.
IF YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED, MOVE!
If you bought a place that happens to be built on an ancient Indian graveyard and you got a real good deal, most likely this place gonna have a few ghosts. Sure, you saved a few bucks buying the place but is it really worth it not being able to sleep at night when you have something standing over you or waking up and seeing your chairs stacks up in an isometric order on your table.
Don’t try to make contact with them. They are already telling you to leave the house with stacking chairs, just take the loss and move. Being stubborn and staying put will make things a lot worse. Most likely the ghosts get fed up with you and just drop a piano on your head.
STAY AWAY FROM ANTIQUES.
I understand. Yours snooping around your great grandparents’ place, trying to figure out who they were in life and you find an old-looking book cover in the dust, written in a language that you don’t understand or maybe you see fun looking puzzle box. The older something is, the most likely it is going to kill you. Don’t read it and don’t play with it. It is not a journal but the book of the dead. It’s not a toy box but a puzzle from hell. If the “Evil Dead” series taught us anything, the Necronomicon is not something you need in your life. There are no rewards for solving a puzzle box from hell. Leave it alone, go to your room, and never talk about it.
DON’T SPLIT THE GROUP.
Monsters are just waiting for the easiest one to pick off. When you are being hunted, it doesn’t matter if you are the strongest or the smartest one in the group. Breaking from the group and going at it alone for any reason is going to get you killed. As a group, it will be harder to get picked off by the monster. Even if you need to go to the bathroom because there always something standing in the showers. There is safety in numbers.
STAY OUT OF THE FOREST
Unless your the Predator and you can cameo your skin and blend in among the trees, getting lost at night and bumping into trees as you try find a safe place is going to result in your death. Even if your only option is a scary old Cabin, it’s better to board yourself up than stand in open where you can’t see what’s coming at you.
DON’T TRUST KIDS.
There is nothing creepier than kids in a horror movie, especially if they are in a big cornfield There always something off when you run into one. They are wearing very clean school clothes or they speak in a monotone matter. Doesn’t matter how helpful the kid is getting you out of the forest or the kids are lost and you just want to help them out. It is most likely the devil incarnate or the scared innocent look they have just a way to make you drop your guard before they kill you. The best thing to do is to kick the creepy kid in the groin, run, and call child services. Yes, there is a chance that the creepy kid is just a kid but living in a horror movie, it is better safe than dead.
BEFORE ENTERING A CAR, ALWAYS CHECK THE BACKSEAT.
This should be common knowledge even if you are not living in a horror movie scenario or you been watching as many true crimes documentary as I am, always check the backseat. Chucky from “Child’s play” or Ghostface from the Scream movies demonstrate very clearly why you should always look back there before jumping into the car. Looking under the car or checking the Trunks is also a good idea as well because many vehicles have them connected to the passenger cabin.
TRUST THE CRAZY PEOPLE.
When you are stuck in the middle of a horror movie, listening to the crazy people might save your life. Listening to an old gas station owner or crazy cat lady, they might sound nothing more than lunatic non-sense but they know best on how to survived and beat the evil that is trying to kill you. They might sound off-putting when you run into one of these but take their ranting wisdom to heart. The key to survival is within the wisdom of these people.
DON’T STAY, “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK”.
You might think it’s safe, the sun is out and you don’t see any monsters and you need to grab something in a different room. Go ahead and do that. But don’t ever say those three curse words. It is the same rules as not saying “Macbeth” in a theatre, if you wanna live, don’t say it “I’ll be right back”. You are not the Terminator, you not going be coming back. Say anything else but don’t be cute about it, saying it like your being sarcastic still counts.
I hope you never get caught in a real-life cliche horror movie scenario. However, with my advice on this very serious matter, you should be just fine. Beating back darkness is hard but you can live! Thank you for taking the time to read my list and I hope you have a very spooky and safe Halloween.