It is that time of the month, Halloween is almost here. I remember when I was a young man, dressing up as a ninja turtle or a creature from the night. Get my face painted, the right outfit on, and wearing that one ugly orange jacket over everything because our parents didn’t want us to catch a cold when I went out the trick and treating.
It’s been a long time since I dressed up and went out on October 31st, but I remember the god awful candy I got over the years. Not all candy is created equal, and for every supersize candy bar I got, there are going to be two or three bite-size pieces of candy that will suck. Here is just a small list of candy that nobody should ever buy for Halloween.
THRILLS GUM:
What kind of mad candy scientist made this awful candy? Did his parents wash out his mouth with soap because he was a bad boy? Regardless of that mystery, THRILLS GUM is the only candy that is telling you what it tastes like on the cover, “IT STILL TASTE LIKE SOAP”. What parent will ever think a child wants to have the taste of “ZEST” hand soap in their mouth? If it cleans your mouth, I can see that can be useful, chewing it in between other candy, but no, it doesn’t, it just a crappy candy.
TOOTSIE ROLL:
This candy is a lie. It might look like a delightful piece of chocolate goodness, but don’t be fooled! This very chewing candy doesn’t taste like chocolate at all, but some kind of a mix between a rotten piece of hard cheese and stuff you find under your bed. I can’t of anyone who sees the world as a tootsie roll, despite what that old commercial said. Hard Pass.
POPEYE CANDY STICKS:
Coming in a tiny little Redbox with a picture of a cartoon sailor on it, made me think this is going to be a sweet treat! Unfortunately, another lie! This tiny piece of candy looks like chalk, feel like chalk, and taste like chalk, but taking one bite into one of these feel like I’m going to lose a tooth. It won’t be Halloween until your first trip to the dentist with chipped teeth.
SMARTIES:
Another piece of candy that tastes like chalk. These want to be M&Ms are just a cheap piece of sweets that every kid gets on Halloween. It doesn’t matter what small town or large city you grew up in, you will get smarties candy in your bag.
Hot Tamales:
I don’t hate the taste of cinnamon, only the consistency. These little cinnamon-flavored candies from hell always burn my mouth. They might look like something out of the candy box, Mike and Ike, but these little hot devils will just make you want to drink water more than keep knocking on doors for more candy.
BAZOOKA BUBBLE GUM:
A classic candy that your parents will remember. I remember eating over one at a time because the flavour only lasts as long as it takes to read the comic that comes with it. Now I got a mouth full of gum and not able to say “Trick or Treat”.
Fun Dip:
The only candy that you need to have steady hands to eat because of any movement you will spill all tiny bites of sugar all over the place. When you are already hype on candy, this is not something you want to eat.
Twinkies:
Twinkies are not a bad treat to get, but knowing it will flatten under the weight of all other candies in your bag. Unless you like pancake twinkies, it just not worth it.
SUN-MAID RAISIN:
After a long night of going door to door, asking for candy, coming home, and dumping my bag filled with goods, seeing one of these little red boxes of raisin always makes me mad. The Forbidden fruit of all Halloween, Raisins is one of the worst things to get. They are not sweet like a lollipop. They are not sour like Warheads. They are dry, sweetness little bugs that you won’t even bother putting them on your cereal. They stick to your teeth when you eat them, and they are not all that healthy for you. According to the NHS, because they stick to do your teeth so well, the bacteria will just rot your teeth! Why do parents even bother buying these for Halloween? Is this some kind of revenge because they got raisin when they were little trick or treaters? How sad.
TOOTHBRUSHES
Okay, I know toothbrushes are not candy but at least with raisins, you can at least eat them but getting a toothbrush instead of candy is like spitting in the face of Halloween’s spirit. Every child who goes out knows they have a toothbrush at home waiting for them when they get back. So why give these out? They are not even good toothbrushes. It’s the ones you see at your local drugstore in the dollar bin. buying cheap kids’ candy is one thing, but cheating them out of candy altogether? Your just asking for trouble.
This is only a few pieces of god awful candy I got on Halloween. It’s not a complete list, I’ am sure I have forgotten some, but they’re always sweets in the future that will top the awful stuff but it will never replace the nightmares of bad candy I got on Halloween. I hope this list will remind you not to repeat the mistakes of the past and have yourself a very spooky Halloween.